Pooping in the Floor...

Ok, so my wife walks into the bathroom tonight and finds a pile of poop in the floor.  We have two cats, Dublin and Jock.  Dublin was outside leaving Jock as the odd cat out.  Immediately the whole family set out on the mission of finding the culprit to put him outside.  We looked in all the usual places where Jock likes to play or sleep and didn't find him.  We finally found him hiding under the bed.  As I was putting him outside I realized that Jock did the exact same thing we do when we "poop in the floor."  We hide. 

Genesis 3 tells us where we get this from.  After Adam and Eve disobeyed God and realized that they had done wrong, Genesis 3:8-9 says, Then the man ad his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.  But the Lord God called to the man, "Where are you?"

So how about you?  Are you hiding under the bed because you're afraid to face the mess that you've made of your life?  The great news is that God is even better at cleaning up messes than we are at making them.  

The three hardest words to say...

Ï need help." Why is it so hard to admit that we have a problem with pornography? I've talked to a lot of ex-addicts, whether their addiction was prescription drugs, illegal drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, food, tv, etc, etc. They all tell me the same thing, that it would have been a lot harder to ask for help if they had been addicted to pornography.
I just got back from a trip to Ireland where I had the privilege of sharing my story. After one of the service I had a woman come up to me and tell me that my getting up to talk about my addiction to pornography was heroic. I thought, "Heroic? No, not me. I'm an ex-pornographer. That's not heroic." I've thought a lot about that conversation and, without sounding like I'm trying to pat myself on the back, she may have been closer to being right than I first assumed. It does take courage to admit that you've got a problem with pornography. Everytime I have somebody who comes to me and says they are having a problem, I can't tell you how proud that makes me for them because I understand what a HUGE step that was for them.
So, how about it, Superman? Ready to come out of your comfortable Clark Kent disguise of pornography? Ready to be a hero? Let me know.

D

I'm so sorry it's been so long...

Ok, I know it's been a while since I posted and I am so sorry. My wife and I are both very involved at our church and July has been a crazy busy month. First, our church does a HUGE 4th of July celebration every year that includes a theater show and fireworks display. We are both in the theater show which required us to be at practice practically every night for two weeks before the 4th. Then we just got back from a missions trip to Ireland. Our church choir did eight services/performances in nine days which also required several nights of practice before we left.
Now that we're back from Ireland, I promise to post more regularly. That's all for now. Stay tuned for more very soon.

D

John 3.16

I had the opportunity to speak at my church last night and it was both totally amazing and terrifying at the same time.  I love my church very much and feel any opportunity to speak there is such an honor, but also they know everything about me since I've gone there for so long, which is what makes it terrifying.  

I talked about John 3.16.  As I was studying, God just showed me once again how amazing his love is.  It's so hard for us to comprehend that someone as awesome as God would love us to the point that he would give something as important as his only Son, but that's exactly what he did.  I'm posting my points to my talk on here with a few revisions, hoping that someone will get it.  

John 3.16     For God so loved the world, that He gave his one and only Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.

1.     God SO loved us...

What does that word "so" mean?  It means that God didn't just love us.  He loves us so much that it moved Him to action.  He loves us enough to not let us sit in our sin but instead intervened on our behalf.  Genesis 19 tells the story of God destroying Sodom and Gomorrah.  In verse 16, the two angels tell Lot and his family to flee the city because it's about to be destroyed.  In a move that dumbfounds me to this day, the Bible says that Lot hesitated leaving.  Instead of the angels immediately leaving and letting him and his family be destroyed, the angels grabbed them by the hand and led them out.  Why?  Because it says, "...the Lord was merciful to them."  That's God SO loving us.

2.     That He GAVE...

A God that would give to us is a concept that is exclusive to Christianity.  Other religions serve gods who are unknowable, meaning forget having a relationship with them, and require all kinds of rules and regulations for you to even make it to heaven, and then you're still not guaranteed to make it.  Only Jehovah would show us the kind of love that required Him sacrificing something as important as His Son!  

3.     That Whosoever... 

Leave it to God to use a word that can only encompass every single person in the history of mankind.  I don't care who you are, what your title is, how much money you make, what you look like or what you've done, there is nobody that is excluded from the whosoever concept.  

Remember, God loves us and believes in us enough that He paid the ultimate price for all of us whosoevers!

Do You Bounce?

There is something about the warmer months of the year that causes usually competent females of all shapes and sizes to believe that they can wear anything and look good in it.  You know you've all seen them.  They seem to be everywhere...the grocery store, Six Flags, the mall, church (really?), just about anywhere that you can find people with clothes on, you will find at least one of these women.  In fact, I saw a commercial the other day for a show that teaches women who are uncomfortable about their size (big or small) or shape to feel good about themselves naked.  I understand the concept of trying to help people feel comfortable in their own skin, but it's bad enough that we have attractive women walking around half-naked.  Do we really want the ugly ones doing the same?  I hope that didn't come off the wrong way.  

My wife and I did a bake sale at Sam's Club in Tulsa yesterday to raise money for our missions trip to Ireland.  The day seemed to be unusually humid and, you guessed it, there were tons of half-exposed females.  I have trained myself to always "bounce" my eyes.  If I'm out in public, no matter where it is, if I'm looking around I always keep my eyes bouncing before letting them settle on something, that way my mind has time to process the images I'm seeing to know if it's safe or not to let my gaze take root.  This has helped keep me out of trouble on many occasions.  So I'll go back to my original question, do you bounce?

The Dreamgiver...

I read a book a couple of years ago called The Dreamgiver. It's about a guy named Ordinary (me) who lived in the land of Familiar (Pornography). He was given a dream by The Dreamgiver (God). Ordinary faced the grueling task of deciding whether he wanted to stay in the land of Familiar or follow the dream the Dreamgiver had for him. At one point in the story Ordinary gave his dream back to the Dreamgiver because he decided he would rather have the Dreamgiver than the dream.
What is your dream? Is it looking at pornography everyday? Or has God given you a bigger dream that porn is holding you back from achieving? My wife and I went to Ireland last year with our church. We fell in love with the people, the country and the missionaries there. Anybody that knows us knows that our heart is for missions. On that trip the Dreamgiver began to birth something inside of us that is so much bigger than we are that it's almost intimidating. We are going back to Ireland again this year and would appreciate your prayers. Thank you and God bless!

Enough Said...

I just posted a new video to the site. It's from www.youtube.com and it's called cardboard testimonies. Watch it. There's nothing more that needs to be said. God bless!

Boundaries...

One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Daniel 1:8 where it says that Daniel purposed in his heart not to defile himself with the kings food. I realized long ago that for me to be successful at beating my addiction I would have to purpose in my heart not to defile myself. This meant setting up boundaries. Here are a few things I've come up with:

1. Keep my computer in a public place where my wife can come in anytime and see the screen
2. My wife knows the passwords to all of the accounts I have, including this one (facebook, myspace, att email, gmail, etc., etc.) and she can check them anytime she wants
3. We always check movies before we go see or rent them (http://www.screenit.com/) for language, sex, nudity, violence, etc., etc.
4. Accountability partner (much like the relationship Paul had with Barnabus)
5. Mentor (Paul to Timothy) who shares with me their wisdom
6. Mentee (if that's a word, Timothy to Paul) who I can help, which also takes the focus off of my problem and forces me to help somebody else out of the same situation I was in
7. Don't aimlessly surf the internet or television (I have to admit that this is one that God has really been dealing with me about but I'm getting better)
8. Spend time in prayer and Bible reading everyday!!!
9. Share my testimony with as many people as will listen (not only is this liberating but it also helps me stay accountable because I know others are watching me)
10. Be careful what I let into my heart whether it's through music, friends, television, movies, etc., etc.

These are just a few things that help me. So what does your list look like?

Light bulbs

When did the light bulb come on for you? Or has it yet? For me, it was sitting in a hospital bed covered in my own puke and desperately needing a shower (inside and out). All of a sudden I realized that my best efforts to make it on my own had resulted in me taking 30 sleeping pills, half dead in a coma, covered in regurgitated charcoal. If my best efforts had gotten me in this position then there was no way I would get myself out.
Paul says in Ephesians 2:8 - 10, "God saved you by His special favor when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things He planned for us long ago."
When I realize that God told Jesus He was proud of Him just for being His Son, it helps me understand that everyday I am alive I must rely totally on God's grace (special favor). It is only through God's grace that I was saved, it is only through God's grace that I can overcome any kind of addiction and it is only God's grace that would cause my heavenly Father to want to use me to reach out to you right now.
So when did the light bulb come on for you? Or did it JUST happen?

Comfort Zones

So I'm reading an awesome book right now called Jim & Casper Go To Church (http://www.jimandcasper.com/). The book is about an atheist and a preacher who travel around to several well-known churches to see how they are doing at reaching out to people like Casper who aren't acquainted with church.
In one chapter they talk about going to Lawndale, a church in Chicago's inner-city. At one point in the service a guy named Jason gets up and shares his story.

"Jason's was the story of the day. Here's a guy who failed the eighth grade - was almost forced to quit school before he could shave. But he didn't give up.
"He reapplied himself and finished school. Then he took a different turn, started running with gangs, got shot seven times. Doctor said he wouldn't walk, but his pastor (another pastor from Lawndale) wouldn't give up on him, so he didn't give up on himself. Now he walks.
"But more important, he talks. He stands up here and willingly bares his soul to a roomful of strangers. Jason presents walking, talking proof of the power of faith - faith in God, as he explained, and faith in himself, as he demonstrated."

There are so many things that I took away from that story, but the one thing I want you to remember is that you'll never be able to quit pornography if you're focusing on yourself. Only when we get out of our self and start helping other people will we get victory from this. Look at the story of Zacchaeus in Luke 19. Zacchaeus understood that in order for him to get help in coming to Jesus he would have to restore all that he had stolen from others. It required him to sacrifice for others.

Whatever you choose to do, whether it's rake your neighbor's leaves, volunteer at a nursing home or even talking to your youth pastor about an after-school or summer internship, do something to step out of the comfort zone of pornography. That's where true freedom is!

Pornographic Memory...

That's the term that God spoke to me earlier this week. Think of it as a photographic memory, only with porn. I can't tell you what I had for breakfast last week but I can recall every pornographic image my brain has ever processed.

On November 19, 2004, wired.com ran an article titled, Internet Porn: Worse Than Crack? Mary Anne Layden, co-director of the Sexual Trauma and Psychopathology Program at the University of Pennsylvania's center for cognitive therapy called pornography addiction worse than crack. "Pornography addicts have a more difficult time recovering from their addiction than cocaine addicts, since coke users can get the drug out of their system, but pornographic images stay in the brain forever," Layden said.

Not only does this make pornography harder to overcome on a physical level, but it also makes it that much more difficult in our relationship with Christ. Paul had some very practical advice for us when it comes to the battle of our mind. He says in Philippians 4:8, "And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Whenever I feel my mind start to wander into the dark recesses of my pornographic memories I always measure those thoughts against this verse.

Notice that Paul tells us to "fix your thoughts." When we fix our mind, we make it firm or stable. We're less likely to get in trouble when we are in control of our mind instead of letting it wander on its own. My prayer to God is that he helps you overcome your pornographic memory. Once again, please feel free to email me at thetimothyproject@gmail.com if you have any questions. Blessings!

Porn Stars Are Mothers Too...

Viktoria Knezova, Alexis Fire, and Diana Rae Espen all celebrated Mother's Day today just like everybody else who has kids, with one very noticeable exception...they are all porn stars. What is Mother's Day like for them? Are they any different from every other mother on the face of the planet? Do they not have the same dreams for their kids? Do they not worry about providing for their kids just as much? Do they love their kids any less because of what they do?

Pornography is much easier to do when you depersonalize it. You see the person on the screen as scrap meat representing the "perfect" woman we have built up in our mind, which, ironically interferes with relationships we have with actual women because the real women can never measure up with the women we see on the screen. What we must realize is that the Viktoria Knezova's of the world are people, just like you and me. They have dreams just like us. They feel pain and loss just like we do. They have families just like us and they have a heavenly Father who loves them, dreams over them, grieves with them and sees the potential they have for greater things than they could ever see in themselves.

Paul told Timothy in I Timothy 5:1 - 2, "Never speak harshly to an older man, but appeal to him respectfully as though he were your own father. Talk to the younger men as you would to your own brothers. Treat the older women as you would your mother, and treat the younger women with all purity as your own sisters." I like to think of it like this, "Would you want your mom being a porn star? How would it make you feel to know that there are men, women, boys and girls who are lusting after your sister as she's taking her clothes off?" It is so much more difficult to enjoy pornography when you realize that porn stars are people too.

xxxchurch.com is helping Wendy go from the adult entertainment industry to finding her identity in Christ Jesus. She sent the following email to Craig Gross and it was posted on their web site. You can also listen to the podcast interview with her by going to itunes.

"PRAISE GOD !!!! You guys have no idea the day I've been having LOL Satan has been really trying to pull me down today but I've been kickin him to the curb:) My Monitor which I bought back when I had that easy money to throw away....was a 32" flat/widescreen for me to do webdesign and graphics on ....well it blew out, which meant no Internet which is huge in my household LOL mainly for my own connection with other Christians and more importantly you guys:) But I ran down to where I have that spot at a local flea market and asked the owner who is a friend if he knew of any of the vendors who had a dirt cheap monitor so I'd have one until I find out how much it will cost to fix mine and get it fixed....well, HE had one himself and gave it to me for 10 bucks :) So at least I am back online and in communication with what matters most to me right now:) The phones went completely off and my job was calling my moms house to see if I could come in and work on my day off today.....I hated for them to have to call her house ! God is continually humbling me :) Michelle, I think I have the interview with X3 at 4:00 today for the podcast....if so, I'll be here, phone is on and I'm ready :) Thank you both so much for having such a love for Christ and hearts of a servant, you have no idea how getting me through this month financially has blessed me and my children:) Love you!"

Just remember that porn stars are mothers too. Viktoria, Alexis and Diana, I pray that you had a good Mother's Day.

I See YOU!

I know you. No, we may have never met, but I know you. Right now you're sitting at your computer with nobody else around. You know the soft glow of your monitor as well as you know the back of your hand. Your pulse races as you move the mouse to kill your screensaver. Your heart skips a beat, almost matching the double click of the mouse as if it understands the endorphine rush that will soon follow. The images jump off the screen at you and all of a sudden you're in your very own fantasy land.
I know you because I am you. I may not look at pornography anymore, but I am still you, just a few years down the road. I see in you something that you cannot see in yourself...yet. I see in you what God sees. All you can see right now is your "dirty, little secret." God sees so much more. He sees beyond the fetor of our polluted minds and sees us for what we are, His children.
On July 2, 1997, I took 30 sleeping pills chased by half a bottle of nighttime medicine and a can of cream soda. Through a series of "coincidences" that would take too long to explain right now, I was found and rushed to the hospital. I laid in a coma for several hours until the poison finally left my system. When I awoke, I had charcoal all over the front of me where I kept puking it up every time they would pump it into my stomach. The mess on the outside seemed to be mirroring how I felt on the inside. Sitting there in that hospital, God spoke to me Jeremiah 29:11, "I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." I realized that God had so much more in mind for me than I had been experiencing.
In Acts 16 we find Paul's first encounter with Timothy. We don't find out a whole lot of information about this first encounter from these few verses, but what we do learn is that Paul saw potential in Timothy that even Timothy himself didn't see at times.
By the way, something I neglected to mention about when I was in a coma. I was visited by my Paul. Her name was Suzie Eller. Lying there in that hospital bed, able to hear everyone and everything around me but unable to respond, my Paul came into my room, placed my head on her shoulder and began to weep and pray for me. Why? I didn't get it. I was filthy. I was a pervert. I was a failure, even when it came to ending my life, but she saw beyond all that. She could see ten years down the road when I would be tapping out words of warning on my little ACER laptop, telling you the same thing she was trying to tell me...I SEE YOU!

Today I Won't Look at Porn...

I'm watching a very peculiar thing right now. My son, Jaxon, is three months old. He's at that age where he's trying to talk but all of his words sound jumbled together, kind of like listening to a Barbara Walters interview without the annoying part. Jaxon is trying his hardest to fit all of either one or both of his fists into his mouth at the same time which is also setting off his gag reflex causing him to spit up and choke. No matter how much he chokes and gags he never pulls his fists away.
As I'm watching this it reminds me of what pornography does to a person. No matter how much you choke and gag, no matter how much you feel dirty and disgusting and no matter how much it destroys relationships with those you love the most, you never pull away. It's kind of like drinking Mountain Dew when you're really thirsty...you can never get quite enough. No matter how much you gorge yourself it always seems like there's room for more. Sound familiar?
The amazing thing is that Jesus knows this is virtually impossible for you to overcome by yourself.
In Matthew 19:16 - 26 tells the story of another individual whose appetite for other things was out of control.

Someone came to Jesus with this question: "Teacher, what good things must I do to have eternal life?"
"Why ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "Only God is good. But to answer your question, you can receive eternal life if you keep the commandments."
"Which ones?" the man asked.
And Jesus replied: "Do not murder. Do not commit adultery. Do not steal. Do not testify falsely. Honor your father and mother. Love your neighbor as yourself."
"I've obeyed all these commandments," the young man replied. "What else must I do?"
Jesus told him, "If you want to be perfect, go and sell all you have and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." But when the young man heard this, he went sadly away because he had many possessions.
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is very hard for a rich person to get into the Kingdom of Heaven. I say it again - it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!"
The disciples were astounded. "Then who in the world can be saved?" they asked.
Jesus looked at them intently and said, "Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible." (emphasis mine)

Jesus may have been talking to a rich young man here, but the point he was trying to make is, what are you willing to give up to know Him? Jesus doesn't care how much you give, it's what you don't give that matters to Him. What is it that is so valuable to you that you would never let it go? For many reading this, the answer will be pornography. We can never let go on our own, but that's ok because we don't have to. Paul says in Philippians 4:13, "For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need."
So how do you loose yourself from the quagmire of pornography? Think of it as falling into quicksand. You have a couple of different options: a. You can flail yourself around trying to "swim," which actually causes you to sink deeper and deeper until you're over your head and gone, or b. You can make methodical movements to reach out and grab onto something to pull yourself out.
God has given us at least three outside resources that we are to employ:

1. God's love for us - John 3:16 says that God didn't just love us, He SO loved us that it moved him to action. He SO loved us that He gave His one and only Son. He was willing to do what He had asked the rich young man from Matthew 19 to do, give up the one thing He loved most in order to attain something of greater value to Him...US!
2. The Holy Spirit - Romans 8:1 - 4 says, "So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death. The law of Moses could not save us, because our sinful nature. But God put into effect a different plan to save us. He sent His own Son in a human body like ours, except that ours are sinful. God destroyed sin's control over us by giving His Son as a sacrifice for our sins. He did this so that the requirement of the law would be fully accomplished for us who no longer follow our sinful nature but instead follow the Spirit." There is a definite correlation between being free of condemnation and being led by the Spirit. The Spirit doesn't condemn us, but rather convicts our hearts.
3. Friends and Family Members - Accountability with others is so very important. Notice I said accountability and not confession. There will always be some measure of confession, but as you progress you should be confessing less and being pre-emptive more. Accountability is calling a friend before-hand and saying, "I really want to look at pornography right now and I know I can't afford to. I need you to walk with me through this." That, my friend, is true freedom!

Shortly after my addiction became common knowledge to those that knew me best, I was going to counseling with my pastor. I was so discouraged because I would slip up and look at pornography. Afterwards I would feel so dirty. I would pray and ask for forgiveness and promise God that I would never do it again. Guess what? I lied. I was sharing this with my pastor and he told me, "Don't ever say you'll never do something again. Instead say, today by the grace of God, I won't look at pornography." After that my life became so much easier. Forever is a long time, but today is only 24 hours. So I encourage you to begin each day by saying, "Today, by the grace of God, I won't look at pornography." Please let me know if I can do anything. Someone threw me a life preserver and I want to return the favor. Blessings.

D

Our Purpose

July 2, 1997, was the day that my pornography addiction forced me into a confrontation that nearly took my life after a failed attempt on my part to end my life. Up to that point I had kept my little "friend" a secret from the rest of the world. When my monster was finally pulled into the light it was a long road ahead, but I survived and was able to move past my addiction.

II Corinthians 1:3 - 7 says, "All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with His comfort through Christ. So when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your benefit and salvation! For when God comforts us, it is so that we, in turn, can be an encouragement to you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort."

To anyone reading this who has an addiction to pornography, I understand where you are right now. I've walked that road before. I've climbed the same mountain and inched my way through the pitch dark valley of perversion and guilt. The bottom line is, I'm still here...and so are you! This is your opportunity. God has brought you here for the same reason that Paul states in II Corinthians. Look at me as your "tour guide." I look forward to our journey together. Please feel free to email me at thetimothyproject@gmail.com. Look forward to posting more in the future. Blessings.